How to Feel In Control (Even When the World Isn’t)
The Buddha suggested that our need for control leads to suffering. But who, among us less enlightened beings, doesn’t want to feel “in control” at least some of the time?
And in a world that appears to be teetering, those moments of feeling in control may be more valuable than ever.
Letting Go Yet Still Controlling
The bad news out of Washington, D.C., continues to escalate, making it easy to feel like things are falling apart. The truths many of us grew up with—once considered “self-evident”—don’t seem evident to those driving this country. Who knows where this journey of change will take us?
While we may seek to influence the world, we have precious little ability to control the outcome.
When the political landscape looks chaotic, we may be tempted to soothe our frayed nerves by trying to control something—or someone—close to us. I suspect many people are seeking control as a form of catharsis. Why else would the recorded announcement on the AppleCare customer service line remind callers to be nice to the reps? People’s tensions seem to be spilling into their calls.
The trouble is, trying to control what we can’t—like our partners!—only builds more stress. And telling Fido not to pee isn’t going to make him a happy dog—or change his behavior.
Letting Go
Some wise ones suggest that control is an illusion, and the solution is to let go of expectations and the need to have the world go our way. Yet, with all due respect to the enlightened ones, when the world seems to be falling off its hinges, I still need some of that illusion.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert famously offers this insight:
You are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety.
Lizzie’s got part of the equation right—our fears and anxiety heighten our need for control. But is all control bad?
Can we walk a middle path, knowing that much of what is happening on this planet is beyond our control, yet wanting to maintain some sense of agency?
Taking Control Where We Can
I don’t think the solution to feeling out of control is to abandon control entirely. Paradoxically, asserting control over the things we can control may help us feel more grounded. For example:
- What we read
- Where we focus our attention
- How we spend our discretionary income
- How we spend our spare time
- What media we consume (including emails and social media)
- How we create
- How we share our love
- What we are grateful for
- The appreciations we offer
- What we are curious about
- How we pray
- What we choose to learn
- How we arrange flowers or set the table
Just making a list like this helps me breathe and remember all the ways we do have control—and to feel grateful for that. (I invite you to make a list, too.)
Finding Our Agency
Another way to balance our sense of powerlessness is through micro-disciplines—small, intentional routines that align our lives with what we care about. These disciplines help us experience the positive side of control.
I’m not talking about rigid, willpower-driven practices with 20 healthy to-dos before breakfast. (There are people like that!) Instead, I believe in gentle disciplines— two or three satisfying steps like meditating, journaling, and mucking the horses’ stalls (surprisingly satisfying!). I remind myself that I am choosing them because they support my creative path.
On days when life feels out of control, these easy practices give a pulse to my morning and feed my sense of agency. They feel good, and I don’t have to bully myself into doing them.
Choosing Practices That Are Fun
We have enough bullies out there; I don’t need to bully myself. I can make my practices small and doable—things that take less than ten minutes a day.
Here’s one: This past January, inspired by Wendy MacNaughton and her Draw Together community, I accepted the challenge to draw for 10 minutes a day for 30 days. (Truthfully, I skipped a couple of days and had to double up.) Wendy provided a daily shot of inspiration that made the process fun. At the end of the month, I didn’t want to stop, so I kept going.
I challenged myself to draw for another 30 days. Now, 37 days in, I’m still drawing—anywhere from 5 to 50 minutes a day. An online drawing class with Heather Williams guarantees one long session a week—a happy boost to my intention.
I control showing up, not the outcome.’
The act of creation is up to the Muse. Most of what I sketch is awful—remember, I’m a beginner. But my tiny discipline helps me:
- Relax
- Observe the world in new ways
- Become more curious (like how light plays on an apple)
- Forget about the news
- Have fun
- Feel a sense of agency (I draw, therefore I am…)
Any Ole Thing You Love Will Do
Drawing delights me. You should choose what inspires you.
Any daily discipline can be a place where you express yourself, exert a tiny piece of control, and gain an ounce of joy. My suggestions:
- Pick something you enjoy.
- Commit to doing it regularly—if only for minutes.
- Enjoy the process without being attached to the outcome.
- Be gentle with yourself—this is a self-flagellation-free zone! Gentle pressure through a little self-control can be helpful, but if you’re forcing yourself with iron willpower, your ego has likely taken the helm.
Your goal is to de-stress. If I only draw twice a week instead of seven days, that’s two days more than nothing!
Don’t Sweat the Big Stuff
Maybe it’s time to turn around the title of that famous book (Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff) and suggest that it’s the small stuff we can sweat—or at least design to give ourselves an opportunity for creative expression.
With the big stuff we can do our part, and then practice letting go.
Give yourself a daily arena where you do have control. If you enjoy the practice and feel renewed by it, I suspect you’ll find more Buddha-balance in these uncertain times.
And Fido will love that you’ve forgiven his erratic peeing
